In my latest of posts and subjects, I decided to blog a subject that I often think about and which I feel has shaped many of my life choices. Based on the title and divorce rates in general, I'm sure for quite a large amount of people reading this, they can relate to such a situation. Another reason I decided to write about this was that I had an in-depth conversation with a friend who, although a much different age to me when his own pare In my latest of posts and subjects, I decided to blog a subject that I often think about and which I feel has shaped many of my life choices. Based on the title and divorce rates in general, I'm sure for quite a large amount of people reading this, they can relate to some of to the situation. Another reason I decided to write about this was that I had an in-depth conversation with a friend who, although a much different age to me when his own parents divorced, went through some of the hardships that I feel I did so many years ago.

Well, like many kids, I am the middle child of two parents who decided to divorce when I was between the ages of 6-8yrs old. I put this age range down as the divorce that my parents went through was long, drawn out and like many a parent, was a messy affair.

For obvious reasons I cannot put down (my mum sometimes reads this blog) and cannot fully understand all the things that ultimately ended my parents marriage. Maybe it was a case of one not loving the other, maybe it was because they married too young or maybe it was just the insecurities that couples went through back in the 70's and 80's.

My parents had a rocky relationship from which I can only remember the fights and arguments from a very young age. Obviously as their own relationship deteriorated, so stepped up the arguments and fights. Being the middle child, I realised later on when I was much older that maybe my brother at the time was a few yrs older and more adept at understanding what was going on whereas my sister was way too young to understand or remember. This put me in that zone where not everything made sense, sides were asked to be taken, parents turn on each other and the home turns into a WWI trench. As a result, nightmares, confusion, fear and a sense of loss set in. This resulted in me and my brother having counselling to deal with what we couldn't fully understand at the time.

Now I am grown up, divorce is as common to me to hear as it is for me to understand. Relationships don't always last forever. Love comes and goes and it is never easy for anyone, least of all for kids. I don't blame my parents or anyone else for the events that happened, in fact, they generally have shaped how I perceive parents and relationships both of my own and my friends. Sometimes this results in me over evaluating, sometimes under evaluating. 

People often ask me if I want to get married and I normally pull a retarded face like most guys and say "never" but really this couldn't be futher from the truth. I want to marry and I want to be married to that person for the rest of my life. Generally my single status reflects this in the fact that i'm sure I'm waiting for 'the one' to come along. Maybe 'the one' isn't some stranger walking in the street though or some twist of fate that somehow brought you together at that very moment. Maybe 'the one' is a person you have known for years, maybe they were an ex partner who you both wasn't right for at the time. What I see in my parents divorce and marriage in general is that maybe the person you thought was 'the one' simply 'wasn't.' Maybe they were at the time but are not now.

So after this long spiel about divorce and love, I leave you with this very true story. The names have been changed for obvious reasons.

Rose and John met a long time ago. Like all young couples of the day, they were introduced by their mutual friends where they worked in the same place.
Rose was very shy back then and John kept himself to himself but as they were introduced they got on well together.
As the dating went on, Rose and John eventually got married. It was soon after they had married that Rose realised that she wasn't and had never been in love with John. Maybe it was the feeling of being safe, secure or financially dependant on another that made Rose and John marry as did many marriages back then where love seemed to be substituted for more 'important' matters. Maybe Rose convinced herself she could 'make' herself love John once they were married.
Within the first couple of years of their marriage Rose suppressed that feeling of not loving John. With the arrival of their first child, Rose had something that she could love unquestionably.
As time went on, that constant feeling would creep back to remind Rose that she was not in love with her husband. This fear and guilt used to turn into anger and would result in bad arguments. As John and Rose had more children that feeling only got worse for Rose. Maybe John never noticed or couldn't work out why these arguments would erupt. Maybe John never loved Rose either but this was the natural order of how things worked - marriage, kids, retire.
By their third child Rose started to have an affair. She all but considered her marriage to John dead but without admitting it. John of course didn't know what to do or what he had done that had made things the way they were.
In John's bitterness he made sure that Rose and the children were left with nothing after the divorce. Rose was left homeless with three kids and a broken marriage. John was left with a broken heart of which he would never recover.
Years later Rose remarried, ironically only for her second husband to leave her for another woman. John never met anyone again.
Years passed and the kids grew older. It wasn't until a long time later that John admitted to the middle child that during the height of Rose's affair that he had gone to a store and bought a large bottle of pills which he placed on the table and wrestled with himself all night as to whether he should take them all and finish his life right there.
John said that he never meant for things to turn out the way they did. He never meant to hurt anyone or things to get as nasty as they did. I told John that no one ever 'means' to hurt someone else but when someone hurts us so badly, we are all capable of doing nasty things to others.

I was 10yrs old when my Dad told me that he had contemplated suicide. 15 years after their divorce my Dad told me that he was still in love with my Mum.

For some people, divorce is the only way, for others, you can never stop loving a person long after they have left you. For anyone reading this who has ever experienced their parents divorcing, I hope that you have found, as I did, that even though divorce is never easy, all relationships in this life have purpose, even when it cannot be seen at the time.



02/16/2010 11:41

I wanted you to know that I had read this and there are many different outcomes for marriage but it is always a risk. Some, like your parents, marry young. Some like Mark and I wait until much later and plan for kids. But it is always a risk. A willingness to communicate is a must. Having said that, however, I don't think it is ever appropriate to tell a 10 year old about contemplating suicide.

02/16/2010 16:18

University libraries - the best place to get sidetracked, wrote many an email to you when I was meant to be working. very honest and insightful blog, childhood experiences definately shape us but I guess it is what we do with them as we move forward that defines us and with that in mind I think one day you are going to be a great husband (even if to my dismay you do hop over the pond for good!) :)

Laura Ames-Carder
08/26/2010 04:30

Hectic read! errr am not really sure where to start and I dont want to go into detail, otherwise Ill end up writing a book, but I never want to get married, for many reasons...I could never put that ammount of trust into a man, sorry no offence! My Mum thinks I am like the Ice Queen or something! My parents got a divorse, and I know so many people who have got divorsed! What an expensive mistake! It just a piece of paper, just an offical status 'I am married' why cant you not be married and still have a long term relationship? that way you wont have to pay for a divorse and make a big scene?! it makes total sence to my mind, but thats just me! Why do guys want to get married anyway? cos they usually stray anyway...or the woman does! money problems etc, marriage makes things much more complicated!

08/09/2011 03:21

I don't think about financial success as the measurement of my success.


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    Adrian Jackson - wrote this whole article in the corner section of his University library when he should have been doing work!


    February 2010